What on earth did I just watch??!

Bonjourno Prepsters!

I spent last weekend watching the Twilight saga - as you can already tell, it was a very slow weekend. I mainly watched them to placate my sisters, who haven't seen the films before. I had been hoping to spare them the horrors of an awful storyline, atrocious acting, and even worse special effects, but they insisted. Let it be said that I tried. 

 

Now, I have to admit, I didn't mind the first four films too much - yes, Kristen Stewart's character makes me want to tear my eyeballs out of their sockets and blend them (I still cannot fathom why Stephanie Meyer would write someone so unlikeable as a heroine!) 

For one, she overreacts to everything. There are seriously too many occasions to pinpoint, but I’m pretty sure that if any self-respecting girl’s boyfriend left her, she wouldn't take that as a cue to start cliff diving, or riding a motorcycle. Cut your hair, get a new wardrobe – better yet, get a new boyfriend instead of moping around for months in front of your window watching the seasons change. You’re seventeen, not seventy!

The fact that she runs off to different states and countries without telling her dad also strikes me as ludicrous. Any father in his right mind would have locked his daughter up and/or forbidden her from hanging out with the undead boyfriend. Charlie doesn't really seem that fazed by the fact that he has a lunatic for a daughter, or the fact that she can’t tell him exactly what happened to her after she got back from her honeymoon. Does that seem a little weird to anyone else, or is it just me?

For another thing – why the hell would you date a vampire – especially one as weird-looking as Edward Cullen? I don’t know whether Bella needs glasses or if she’s seeing something completely different to the rest of us, because, let me assure you (with 20/20 vision) he is not good looking. In any way, shape or form. You know, if turning into a vampire is supposed to make you super attractive to your prey, he must have been ridiculously ugly beforehand.

Joke: Why does Edward always look constipated? He's just not a super-pooper!

Moving on to R Patz's character, Edward, who looks constipated almost all the time, and if it's not that, he's smiling like a serial killer. I get that he’s supposed to be broody and all that, but come on – you've had like a hundred years to get over the fact that you’re an undead, day-walking, creature of the night - smile a little! Or at least stop making it so obvious that you're a gosh darned vampire!

The whole saga could have been over and done with, in a couple of hours if Bella had just fallen in love with Carlisle. It probably would have made a lot more sense too, because he is waaay more attractive and charismatic than Edward. Again, I reiterate – what does anyone see in Edward??

I think the only thing that made the films bearable were Jasper's accent, Emmett's muscles, Carlisle’s dimples and Jacob just as a whole. In fact the film would have been better if she had just picked Jacob over Edward, because, to be honest, Renesmee got the better deal there.

Special effects-wise, the first four were tolerable – although every time I see Edward and Bella float out the window onto the tree, I have to fill my mouth with popcorn to stop from laughing aloud. 

He looks like a monkey...just a lot less cute

Overall, the effects weren't mindblowing or anything in the first films, but, you know, I could live with them. However, when I saw the fifth film, I literally choked on my salty popcorn (much more tasty than sweet popcorn, I might add). First off – what on earth is wrong with Renesmee’s face? I don’t understand why the director found it necessary to computer-generate her face. I just found it so weird and it kinda ruined the film for me - she looks like a demon baby!

Why didn't they just use a real baby?!

But it’s not all Renesmee’s fault – the vampire running scenes were hilarious! I watched the fifth film about a year after the rest, but I still don’t remember the running vampires ever looking that stupid.

Seriously??

Another part that was pretty stupid was the whole Bella-wakes-up-and-has-to-adjust-to-being-a-vampire idea. I just literally – I can’t even. I would have fired her on the spot for the crappy job she did. She brought a whole new meaning to the term "wooden acting".

However, credit where credit’s due – I honestly freaked out when Carlisle and Jasper die – and then undie. Literally my heart stopped – I was like OMGEEEEEEEZ they did not just kill off my two favourite characters!! So props to the directors for that scene, but overall I give it a Mouldy Banana rating of 1. I felt that it was a little pointless having a fifth film, because they could have concisely fit it into the fourth. I can’t believe they created a whole 115 min film with so little detail in the scenes.